Why do people gossip? Why do people gossip: what psychologists say. The root causes of gossip
Ecology of consciousness. Psychology: Gossip....an unpleasant word, although it seems to be just talking about others... But no, the word gossip tells us that it is something unpleasant. None of us likes it when they talk about us behind our back, when they invent and think up something that doesn’t exist, when they discuss us. Why do people gossip if it is unpleasant?
Why do people gossip if it's unpleasant?
Gossip....an unpleasant word, although it seems to be just a conversation about others... But no, the word gossip tells us that it is something unpleasant. None of us likes it when they talk about us behind our back, when they invent and think up something that doesn’t exist, when they discuss us.
Why do people gossip if it is unpleasant?
Let's try to figure it out.
Three friends are sitting in a cafe and chatting nicely about their men and clothes. And it seems that all three of them are very frank with each other and close. And then one of them says: “Okay, it’s time for me to go, I need to run to work and then pick up the child.” The other two kiss her and say goodbye, and then:
The fun begins. They begin to wash all the bones of that friend who left. And what is she doing wrong with her husband, and that she is not taking care of the child, and that the last dress did not suit her very much and in general she has gained weight! For what? After all, they are friends? After all, according to the law of friendship, everything that is wrong can be said to your face and help your friend become better!
Or another story: Four best friends from school are sitting over glasses of beer. They are already 40 years old and their lives at the moment have been very scattered, both geographically and financially. And so, when they all get together once a month, they communicate nicely, but as soon as someone leaves early, the fun begins.
So the one who is currently the richest left and away we go. The three remaining comrades sit and talk about how lucky he is, that he himself could not do this, but with women he is a complete failure and his belly has grown larger than everyone else’s. The one who recently changed the car has left and the rest begin to discuss that he chose the car in general... but.... And so on. For what?
REASONS and BENEFITS of Gossip for those who talk:
1. Method of structuring time. There is nothing to do, there is not enough brightness in life and you can vividly and emotionally discuss someone else’s life. There is an element of involvement in this life and a feeling of greater fullness of life.
2. Increasing “self-esteem” by devaluing others. In gossip they always talk about the absent person as something different, inappropriate, worse in something. Accordingly, those who say THEY ARE DEFINITELY EXCEEDING the one in something they are talking about. They are definitely better, more excellent, more successful at this. You put someone else down and against their background you look taller)
3. A way to gain respect, attention and love through the position of the Victim. The old story is what it is, but we were just unlucky, you respect me and there are other versions of this idea. I cried in comparison with the lucky one and seemed to justify myself and gained the attention and respect of the listeners.
As can be understood from the above points - these are crooked ways to satisfy the needs for brightness of life, self-esteem, love and acceptance.
How can you make sure there is no point in gossiping?
only WORK on YOURSELF and your LIFE:
1. It is realistic to evaluate your life in all areas at the moment from 1 to 10. And if some areas are lame, admit it to yourself.
2. Set yourself goals to improve those areas of life that are lame.
3. Start taking real steps to improve and develop your life in all areas towards your ideal 100%.
It’s strange, but you won’t have any time or sense left for gossip. Since you will be busy with your own full life. publishedIf you have any questions about this topic, ask them to the experts and readers of our project .
Gossip is an integral part of life in society. Both men and women gossip. No one is immune from slander. If you become the object of gossip, the main thing is to be able to properly defend yourself against it.
Experts say that the habit of gossip originated in primitive times. Our ancestors exchanged information about absent fellow tribesmen and in this way protected themselves from possible danger.
Gossip does not upset us at all if it does not touch us to the quick. In this case, the attitude towards them from neutral immediately becomes sharply negative.
The process of “removing rose-colored glasses” in relation to trusted people at first turns out to be something like an electric shock, but then the person stops being indignant and treats it with indifference. However, indifference, like irritation, is also not the best policy when it comes to gossip. They have an amazing ability to grow like a snowball, so it’s better to nip the desire to wash someone’s bones in the bud.
Gossip usually refers to information from unreliable sources that does not contain accurate information, but is based on more or less real facts. For example, gossip tells her friends that someone N is marrying a millionaire (true) and adds that she is doing this for convenience (speculation). The result is low-quality, run-of-the-mill gossip.
Is this a woman's fault?
Who gossips more women or men? Stereotypical thinking forces the majority to choose the first answer. For some reason, it is believed that women are particularly talkative, while men are calm, balanced and completely taciturn creatures, with no inclination to discuss the details of other people's lives.
However, like most other stereotypes, the idea that men are reserved, as a classic would say, turned out to be a little exaggerated. Often, respectable socialites in Armani suits gossip no less than the “classics of the genre” - the grandmothers on the bench at the entrance. The only difference is that if gossip - man, his stories are more often accepted as truth because, unlike women’s stories, they are devoid of emotionality and are based only on dry “facts.”
Victim – You, or How to ignore gossip?
This is the worst case scenario, but not the end of the world. What to do if the gossiping part of society is interested in you?
Step one: don't make excuses.
Attempts to clarify further convince others of the veracity of the gossip. Justifications stimulate curiosity and act as a catalyst for the gossip process, so that the result can be an even more “true” story.
Step two: ignore.
Of course, no one dreams of becoming the boss actor gossip But since this has already happened, the best policy is to completely ignore rumors and not react to them. Such neutrality will sooner or later lead to the fading of interest in you.
Step three: take pity on the gossip and those who wash your bones.
As a rule, those who lack their own life are interested in other people's lives. Looking at the slanderer as an unhappy person will allow you to simply sympathize with him and no longer worry so deeply about the gossip he spreads. The final victory will be inviting the gossiper ( gossip girls) for a cup of coffee. After such a knockout, it is rare that even professional slanderers can continue to spread gossip and wash bones.
Step four: approach the situation with humor.
Having heard the “true truth” about yourself, laugh heartily and offer a more absurd version of the story. Such a dismissive and ironic approach will confirm better than any evidence that the gossip does not correspond to reality, and your firmness will noticeably cool down the ardor of “well-wishers.” Why should they act when complete absence opposition?
Step five: arrange a one-on-one conversation.
If you don’t like conflict-free methods and you know for sure who gossips behind your back, arrange a public showdown with him. As a rule, openness has the same effect on gossipers as daylight against vampires, and victory will be guaranteed.
Step six: dose out information.
Friends or colleagues gossip if they know too much about you. Restraint in talking about oneself, expressing opinions and expressing attitude towards superiors - best prevention the appearance of gossip. Even if you are confident in the people you communicate with, you cannot be confident in those with whom they communicate...
Even if we don’t consider ourselves gossipers, then no, no, we’ll discuss it with a friend about someone we know. Colleagues and mutual friends often become the object of gossip, and sometimes we talk about those whom we have never even met: it is enough to just hear an interesting piquant detail of someone’s life, and that’s it – we are “carried away”. As a rule, we do not think about whether this detail is true. However, the attitude towards such conversations changes when we ourselves become the object of gossip that has nothing to do with reality.
It is unpleasant to realize that someone is spreading false rumors about us behind our back. And if true information that we would really like to hide suddenly becomes known to a wide circle of people, we feel as if “naked,” unprotected and betrayed. Everyone decides for themselves how to behave in such a situation.
Do you like to gossip?
Vote
Some even stir up interest in themselves. Psychologists call this type of personality demonstrative. Constantly being in the spotlight is the most important thing for them. This way people get confirmation that they are not bored.
We just need to learn how to get out of such situations with the least mental loss.
However, there are much fewer fans of gossip “about their loved ones” than those who are very worried about slander directed at themselves. Having learned that someone is spreading false rumors about their personal life, they begin to look for those to blame, experience anger, rage, aggression, delve into themselves and become fixated on their own shortcomings. Most people who are the target of gossip have two thoughts running through their heads: “Who could say that about me?” and “What if everyone else believes these nasty things and stops communicating with me?” Such a condition can lead to a nervous breakdown, which will ultimately have a very negative impact on a person’s psycho-emotional and physical health. We just need to learn how to get out of such situations with the least emotional loss, so that someone’s carelessly thrown words do not become a reason for taking sedatives and consulting a doctor.
So, if you saw that those around you suddenly fell silent when you entered the room, and then found out why this was happening, then you should not withdraw into yourself or, on the contrary, wave your saber, looking for those to blame. Do it smarter. And how exactly, our advice will tell you.
Do not arrange a public debriefing
The best way to show an insidious gossip that he has achieved what he wants is to show aggression and start publicly finding out who dared to say such nonsense about you and why he did it. Of course, you want to find out who you “annoyed” so much, but it is more correct to act differently. If you, furious, burst into the office where your colleagues are sitting, and literally begin to rush at everyone, pressing them against the wall, and, growling, asking: “Is that you?”, then you will achieve nothing but a new wave of gossip. Believe me, now you will become a hysterical woman who, apparently, has something to hide. Otherwise, why react so sharply to the “harmless”, in the gossiper’s opinion, news told to those around him?
Of course, you want to find out who you “annoyed” so much, but it is more correct to act differently.
Conversation with a gossip
If you know exactly who is spreading false rumors about you, and you just need to find out why he is doing this, we still advise you not to talk to the gossip lover in private. Let there be witnesses around, but in this situation you will behave extremely calmly and restrainedly. As we have already said, the main thing is not to show how much the very fact of gossip hurt you. Surprisingly, sometimes people don’t even realize that they are hurting someone. Perhaps this is your case. Ask the “hero of the occasion” where he got this information from, what exactly he meant when he said certain things about you. And under no circumstances make excuses. will only make the situation worse. Be confident in yourself, let both those around you and the gossiper himself see it. As a rule, this behavior is perplexing.
Don't react
If you have no desire to find out who is spreading rumors, or you know this person’s name very well, but understand that no amount of talking will improve the situation, then the surest solution to the problem is to completely ignore it. Answer the questions of the curious with a smile and try to change the topic, do not show that something offends you, do not gossip in response. The lack of any response on your part will eventually cause the instigator to lose all interest and move on to another “victim”.
Turn everything into a joke
Another way to discourage people from gossiping about you and stop existing rumors from spreading is to turn them into a joke. The ability to laugh at oneself is very annoying to those who are literally “fueled” by human anger and aggression.
If you are not afraid to independently support the rumors circulating around you for some time, then feel free to be ironic about what they say about you.
99.9% certainty is not enough
If you are not entirely sure that the gossip being spread about you is a complete lie, then it is better not to start a showdown. Of course, you think that you know absolutely everything about yourself, but believe me: sometimes some nuances elude even the most attentive eye. You might have said something in the heat of the moment or done something while you were tipsy. Therefore, first, make sure that there is not an iota of truth in the rumors about you, and only then “go into battle.” In this case, the 99.9% probability is not suitable. All you need is 100 percent confidence.
- So it turns out that you are vile...
- Who? I? In terms of?
- Duck over there Petrovich just told me what you did to your loved one. I didn't even know you were like this! She left a good guy - and for what? Twitchy. Eh.
People gossip behind your back: it hurts!
I turn around and leave. Tears blur my eyes. And I feel his gaze on my back. Judgmental, hostile, full of hatred.
And the point is not that I DIDN’T quit, but RUN AWAY. And it's not that he - good man only for friends, but for me at his house there was nothing left but aggression and irritation. And not even that ugly scar that makes me never wear cleavage.
But the point is this disgusting feeling - a burn of shame, as if someone had slashed me with a whip, and it left a crimson mark. But not on the skin, but on the soul. It burns and hurts.
For what? Where do these rumors come from? Why does a person gossip about you? And what to do about it?
Why do people gossip: psychology and the nature of gossip
It is reliably known that as long as people exist, gossip exists. Gossipers and gossipers unite on hostility towards a third party and happily change the bones. Behind the scenes, of course.
And all gossip is similar to each other. No, not a topic - gossip can be about work, personal life, and children. Rumors can happen about anything. But even though the topic is different, there are still similarities: the truth is always distorted beyond recognition, some horrors are spun out of a small real fact. And sometimes, for no reason at all. People love to slander out of nowhere.
It is interesting that the participants in the conspiracy willingly believe such gossip as if it were reliable news. They say, they are surprised, they condemn, they hate, they raise their hands to the sky with the silent question “how can you do this?”, but they categorically believe. And it doesn’t even occur to them to check with the object of gossip whether it’s true. They are already sure of this. And they already hate him.
The thing is that people love to gossip: this way they relieve their own problems a little. By discussing other people's lives, they make their own a little easier. And by sharing the gossip in chat with others, they reinforce this feeling. This is a psychological phenomenon.
How to protect yourself from gossip?
To prove to people that this is all a lie and a slander - difficult task. And even if you get a public apology for the slander, will that change the situation? Tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, when we don’t know, they’ll start gossiping about us again. So is it worth wasting energy on this gossip?
Another thing is that we can change our attitude towards other people's gossip. This will be a real barrier. Not a conspiracy, not a prayer, but 100% protection of yourself from:
- corrosive shame;
- feelings of injustice;
- shaken nerves;
- spoiled mood;
- infuriating anger.
Sometimes fifteen minutes spent discussing the frivolous behavior of an acquaintance is more enjoyable than a piece of chocolate cake. Psychotherapist Zhanna Sergeeva decided to figure out why we like slander.
A colleague runs up to you: “Did you see Katya’s new diamond ring? Do you think your husband gave it to you? Well, no, a black Audi has been picking her up after work for a month now, and she and her husband don’t even have a car in sight!” Returning home from work, I sat down for a minute on a bench to bask in the sun and found myself an involuntary participant in the conversation of my neighbors: “Look, that one came from the third floor, with a baby, so cute... Do you know who the boy is from? From our local police officer! He will never, never marry her.” Going to visit a lonely auntie, a lover of the yellow press, you receive an avalanche of information that singer A. was spotted on vacation with singer B., and actor B., it turns out, is not at all of the same sexual orientation as everyone thought.
Sometimes you catch yourself thinking that listening to all this gossip is not completely detached. For some reason, you begin to wonder whether the district police officer will get married, you are surprised at the transformation of the actor V., and you take a direct part in the discussion of Katya’s ring. “A person feels the need for gossip,” says the psychologist Irina Mikhailova,- because he wants to create information himself. Meaning gossip the fact that it is passed on from mouth to mouth, acquiring more and more new details. As a result, from a variety of information and fantasies, something is woven together in which it is almost impossible to distinguish the true from the false.”
GOSSIP ARISES DUE TO LACK OF INFORMATION AND ENVY
For some interest
There is a difference between gossip and rumor. If a rumor is often unreliable, then gossip looks more believable and certainly contains some truth. Rumors - talk about how it will rain all summer or literature will be canceled in schools - can concern everyone, but gossip only affects a few. But the lives of these few should be of great concern to everyone else. Thanks to this interest, gossip about actors and pop singers makes a fortune for tabloid newspaper publishers. If people spread gossip about you, it means you are popular. Oscar Wilde, not indifferent to the attention of others, assured: “The only thing worse than gossip about you is the absence of it.”
You are actively declaring yourself, talented or simply beautiful, be prepared for the fact that your personal life and appearance The most unexpected people will start discussing it. Lack of information and envy give rise to gossip. Therefore, everything that is unknown to colleagues or neighbors about you will be thought out and acquired big amount small details.
However, even if too much is known about the potential target of gossip, the absence of gossip is not guaranteed. “Slander arises not only where there is little information and you have to make up missing data, but also where there is too much of it - for example, people work in a small office or film together large apartment, explains the psychologist Elena Zlobina.“They know almost everything about each other, but nevertheless the real facts can be distorted, including because they are boring.”
Of course, boredom is an important reason for “grinding bones.”
Gossip arises out of nowhere if interest in the object of slander is complemented by interest in the topic of discussion. Katya's aforementioned diamond ring sparked talk about a rich lover, and not about the fact that Katya received a prize and bought jewelry with it. Since the discussing colleagues were interested in adultery and not financial reporting, they offered the most interesting version of what was happening. “The topic of gossip is usually related to what worries the group of people who created this news most,” explains Elena Zlobina. — To start a gossip, you need several co-authors. And if the proposed topic does not captivate them, the story, instead of developing, will simply cease to exist or be transformed. For example, a revealing story about treason will suddenly turn into evidence of theft.”
IN PRIMITIVE SOCIETY WOMEN SPREAD GOSSIP
Loud weapon
“Not even a couple of weeks passed before I got a job,” says Zhenya(27). — At the buffet there was talk about a film that had just come out. I saw it, but, as luck would have it, the name of the director slipped out of my head. “Well, what’s his name…” - I smiled and suddenly heard a condescending: “Don’t suffer, don’t pretend to be smarter than you are.” Much later I found out that the employee who didn’t like me told everyone that she had worked with me once and that I was an absolute fool.”
American anthropologists discovered that gossip existed even in primitive communal tribes. They were spread mainly by women, coming up with various nasty things about their rivals. Thanks to slander, their chances of taking a higher place in the hierarchy increased. Not much has changed since then. If one of your colleagues wants to take your place, he will start discussing you behind your back. And bored colleagues will be happy to support him.
Once gossip has already started and is spreading, it is impossible to stop it. In this case, you should try to remain calm and make sure that the wave of misinformation does not overwhelm you.
Pay attention to how emotionally you experience slander. Now think about what exactly hurts you about it. “Sometimes gossip hits the main pain points and reveals a person’s internal problems,” explains Irina Mikhailova. - And this can cause very strong reaction the one who is having these discussions behind his back.” One way out is a heart-to-heart conversation with yourself. When you acknowledge the existence of a painful problem, you will find that the hurtful conversations stop.
Start acting more confident. Your emotional statements that all these stories are blatant lies will only strengthen the position of gossips. Directly addressing the author of the gossip in the presence of a large audience will have a much greater effect. He or she will have to make excuses and defend himself, and you will be in a better position.
And finally, the surest way to avoid the consequences of gossip is simply not to give it a reason. Stories of your stormy youth, which seem like frivolous pranks to your friends (and maybe they are), can cause bewilderment or even condemnation among people you don’t know well. And these feelings are not far from slander. And be careful if your colleagues are not very busy at work, and your contract prohibits leaving early. In such conditions, gossip will become the main job responsibility of colleagues.
The benefits of slander
Nobody likes gossipers, but refusing to communicate with them is sometimes beyond our strength. This is because the act of gossiping provides certain bonuses.
Look behind the screen. Gossip complements generally known information and shows its underside. “My friend works on television,” says Olga. “We see how the presenter parries the phrases of the participants - and my friend tells me that those words to which the silver screen star did not find a worthy answer are simply cut out during editing.” Olga cannot check whether her friend is telling the truth, but she doesn’t want the truth. A story about a narcissistic presenter allows you to feel superior to him, reinforce your contempt for television in general, feel the pleasure of possessing hidden knowledge - and smile slyly while listening to how someone you know admires him. They are delighted, but you have an ace up your sleeve - and when you post the information, they will admire you, not them.
Find yours.“Well, girls, let’s gossip?” - girlfriends can propose to each other. If people's favorite pastime is to regularly exchange gossip, then this indicates the similarity of their characters and life values. “We have a couple of gossips at work,” says Nastya, “they are sometimes mistaken for sisters because their facial expressions are similar.” Those who like to gossip often gather in groups and discuss those who treat them without respect, thus pitting themselves against others.
Have a little fun. There is always a grain of joke and irony in gossip - the one who tells it rarely maintains a serious expression on his face. But even if he tells the news with a smart look, his listeners understand that they are now busy with something unimportant, they just want to take their mind off work. That’s why so many gossips begin with the words: “Well, tell me something.” “One of my friends is just a storehouse of gossip,” says Olesya, “and I always call him when I’m tired of work. You listen, you gasp, you wince a couple of times - it’s like you’ve been to the theater.”
Feel like a creator. Gossip arises in order to acquire new details in the process - and those who add these details feel creative satisfaction. All the facts must seem plausible, so that the next person in the chain of listeners does not say: “Something is hard to believe...” “To be honest, I always add a little of myself when I retell a story,” Anya admits, “but I feel guilty about it.” Do not feel. I like to compose."
Manage and control. Gossipers shape public opinion - they can elevate someone and humiliate others. And even if the listeners do not attach importance to their words, still “a residue will remain.” “In high school, I couldn’t see the boy I liked hanging out with someone else,” Nadya recalls. - And I came up with a gossip. She told everyone that this girl fell into the village toilet during the holidays. Everyone was so disgusted when they listened. And the boy abandoned the girl as a result. Although he didn’t meet with me either.”
